Procrastination

Warning: This Post May Be TMI/Oversharing

I used to be productive. I really did. I was extremely busy in high school, accomplished a lot, took a lot of classes, did yearbook and sports and class fundraisers, read a lot of good books for fun, watched movies, and still had time to have friends.

College started and I remember feeling a little lost for the first couple months, getting on IM programs like iChat and Skype for the first time and still feeling as if I had a lot of extra time to kill. Those hours in between classes felt like study halls to get work done from the classes I just got out of. I went to bed before 9, usually, and woke up for language classes at 7:30 without a problem. I felt like I had tons of extra time. It didn't last, of course. By the time I was starting my Senior year, I had three (technically 4, maybe even 5) jobs (though some were only one hour a week), I was in band, working on an honor's project, and the president of a club. Something had to go, so I dropped band and a few jobs. My year still ended with everything crammed together (partly due to Senioritis) and a series of all-nighters, which nevertheless led to some pretty good papers. I packed up my things, my sister and I took my grandparents and great-aunt to Ireland, then came back and headed to the Philippines, then to New Hampshire, California, and, finally, Texas and Grad School.
First year was okay. I once again felt as if I was floundering in free time. I was never quite BORED, as that was the B-word growing up, but I didn't feel as if there were things I HAD to be doing all the time. I procrastinated some on my papers, but not overly much. I didn't end up with all-nighters, anyway.
And then summer came, and I took Latin, and I stayed on top of things. Barely. And then fall and I tried to join a Latin reading group so I wouldn't lose it as I've lost every other language I've taken. And then I started getting sick all the time and not doing the reading. And then not doing the writing. I went on Christmas break to Qing Dao and Beijing to my parents' with my siblings and had a great time... I thought I was just burned out and needed a break. That wasn't quite true. I didn't go many places, retreating to solitude and trying to make up for the paper I had taken an incomplete on.
I came back to school and didn't get better. In fact it got worse. I was seeing doctors by then, but the appointments were spaced out. At one point I didn't leave my house for 3 weeks and was living on food that could be delivered so I wouldn't have to go grocery shopping. I didn't realize how bad it had gotten until hindsight. My sister and brother came and helped me put my life back together over their respective Spring Breaks. I managed to hang on for the next few months, and I started on medication.
That summer was a great summer. Siblings and I went road-tripping all over the US. Saw a lot of great sights and good people. I wasn't back to being myself just yet, and I was polite to many people, but had an (even) more-than-usual need for alone-time. I finished on of my Incompletes, just to get it done. It wasn't very good, by the end. But it was finally finished. Fall semester, finished the other, just to get it over with. Did terribly on that one too. Managed, both Fall and Spring (Christmas in CA), to complete my coursework for my new classes, though I'm not proud of those papers either.
Summertime came, and I went to South Africa, via London. Then came back to work in the Writing Center. Went to a Wedding in July, had parents visiting, and took another class. I switched medication. I was still not feeling myself, but feeling more myself than before. Near the end of July, I finally started feeling as if I had energy again. Fall started, I was/am teaching. A few weeks short of half-way through the semester, and I feel better than I have felt in years (despite having a slight flush relapse last week). I don't feel quite the same as I used to, but I think I am closer. I'm getting there.
But now there is a problem. I fell into bad habits when I was sick: watching TV shows and reading fiction online; not leaving the house on the weekend to recover, and therefore skipping church and/or going to a different one every week; not reading my Bible or praying; not reading my schoolwork early; not exercising properly; not thinking ahead, but just trying to survive the workload until the next day.

I don't know what to do about these habits now that I'm starting to feel myself again. I'm partially afraid of falling back into the funk I was in before, and therefore partially afraid of letting go of the coping mechanisms I developed. There are things I need to do that I need to learn to do on my own time without external motivations or deadlines. I need to push myself out of my comfort zone and actually try to write (and submit) conference papers. I need to actually write a conference-worthy paper in the first place. I need to decide what area of literature I am going to commit myself to. I need to pick a topic for a dissertation, classes for spring, and historical periods for prelims (not necessarily in that order). I need to pick a topic for a paper for my Christian Classics class. I need to read for our Religion and Lit reading group. I need to grade the essays my students handed in last Friday. I felt as if I was doing well so far this semester, but then I found myself in bed and not doing anything productive for four and a half days last week, so I'm behind again. I need to do reading for class, studying for Old English, and researching for a paper and a presentation. I haven't check my mail in 2 weeks. I've procrastinated again, and I don't know whether to still blame my messed up hormones and brain chemicals, or if I have just become lazy and it is my own fault.
And on that, rather depressing, note, I need to actually go prepare to teach and get back to work.